I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
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after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
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WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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