I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
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I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
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We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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