Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
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I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
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Of course I have a pirate flag
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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