I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
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Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
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I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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