I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
