First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
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There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
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I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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