Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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