I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
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Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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