I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
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I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
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I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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