omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
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I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
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Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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