That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize