he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
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you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
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STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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