I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
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there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
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My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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