fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
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