I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
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i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
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Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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