she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
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you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
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I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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