im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I supernannyed him into submission
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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