Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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