wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
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Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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