My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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