My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I think a kid would responsible me up
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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