I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
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She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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And then the night went full on bisexual.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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