I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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