Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize