Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
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the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
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I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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