She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
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She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
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We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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