hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
FUCK WHALES
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize