I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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