you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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