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guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
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