i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
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The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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