areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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