i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
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I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
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I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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