New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
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I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
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tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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