he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
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Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
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I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
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