I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
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judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
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we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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