just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
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I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
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My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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