1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
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You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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