census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
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i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
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We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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