I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
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I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
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I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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