So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
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Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
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My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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