Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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