when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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