Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
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you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
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Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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