those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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