he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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