I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
What a fucking waste of an outfit
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
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IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
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Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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