You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
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you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
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I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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