is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
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I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
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She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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