I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
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You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never let your siblings swipe right.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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